Happiest Moment in recent memory

OK...Davy @ Work brought in Dunkin' Donuts for everyone. I know...I know...He actually is a pretty nice guy, in spite of this. And he didn't bring donuts, at least...bagels and munchkins. Well, I am the boss (well, one of them) so it would be a big insult and extremely detrimental to morale if I failed to partake, so I guess I gotta have some.

I would have loved a Sesame Bagel but I am not stupid...Those are 410 calories and 7 grams of fat with 780 mg of sodium and only 3 grams of fiber. Even the nicest of the bagels, the onion bagel, is still 340 calories and 3.5 grams of fat with 660 mg of sodium and 3 grams of fiber. You just can't make a bagel worth it :(

So I decide to have three munchkins. That is enough to be polite but not enough to be ridiculous. Well, each of the little glazed bastards is 50 calories and 2.5 grams of fat...so 3 of em is the equivilant of 1/2 of my Jimmy Dean D-lights Breakfast Bowl (The absolute best breakfast on earth if you are a fat ass who doesn't want to remain a fat ass. An entire bowl of eggs, sausage, potatoes and cheese for 245 calories, 7 grams of fat, 730 mg of sodium and 2 grams of fiber. Screw you, Sesame Bagel!)

So I selected my three glazed donut holes and I pop them in my mouth. The first two are good and I am enjoying it. As I eat the third, I glance at it and think to myself, "Wow, they really skimped on the glaze on this one..." As I am chewing, it explodes with flavor and a mass of sweet strawberry jelly. ZOMG! What a feeling! I swear it was like...the happiest moment I have had in the longest time. It was amazing. I was so excited. It was beautiful. I damn near cried...

Anyway, it faded moments later...but not before I yelled about it to the whole office. I guess it was a Jelly munchkin, not a glazed one. Only an extra 10 calories and no additional fat. So...the moral of the story...eat the Jelly ones...only 10 more calories and it's like a mini trip to Vegas in your mouth.

-gen

Music, poetry and an emotional response...

Sometimes, the expressions of an artist can move you to your soul. They can make you personally reflective and bring you back to a happy memory. Indeed, this is why we listen to music, to evoke an emotional response, usually positive...With that thought in mind, I give you...DJ Laz.

Move Shake Drop (remix) - Dj Laz (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sxTpWOQn80)
(Feat. Casely, Pitbull, Flo-Rida, Diaz Brothers, PoBoy)

[Laz:]
We gonna shut em down
Ya'll thought we killed em with the last one?
EEEOOWWWW REMIXX
Casely, DB, Diaz Brothers, flo rida, Poboy, Pitbull, DJ Laz

[Chorus:]
I wanna see you move move shake shake now drop (what your momma say)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your daddy say)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your sista say)
Move move shake shake now drop drop drop drop

[Flo-Rida, PoBoy:]
Flo rida- dj laz- Poooo boy EYYYY
i wanna see you move Shake it, drop it shorty,
lil mama got the body Uh-huh
Slim waste, that apple bottoms
she got Make it look good all in my face
I like when they loose, patron get abused
DJ Laz got them on pimp juice
She bringing it back, throwin it around for niggas stacks
I think i'll give her the cash, do what she do with her-
Ask me what if i think Shorty fine damn right
i'm about to lose my mind.
So stacked know how to make they body wind, grind,
i wanna press rewind
Now give it to me one time, give it to me two time
Flo Rida must say i like with them freaks
Get Lucy Lo to the floor in them jeans
Ay baby, tig ol' bitties Baby Bree
When I'm in the club with DJ L-A-Z

[Chorus:]
I wanna see you move move shake shake now drop (what your momma say)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your daddy say)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your sista say)
Move move shake shake now drop drop drop drop

[Casely:]
Hey Laz I got you homie
Girl you lookin for a stunna, come here hunny
Yes I wanna see you in the back, (yeah) you know where i'm at (yeah)
Girl you lookin for a stunna, yes I wanna
We could do freaky things right in the back,
shake your ass like that, that, that, that.
Girl im trying to think of just what to say
Lookin at your body justs hurts my brain
When you do that d-d-double bound
Baby i aint playin around Do your thang girl,
work your skillz on my lap
Just turn around and let me smack, smack, smack, smack

[Chorus:]
I wanna see you move move shake shake now drop (what your momma say)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your daddy say)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your sista say)
Move move shake shake now drop drop drop drop

[Pitbull:]
I got 1's, 5's, 10's, 20's
I got them 50's Got them 100's baby I got plenty,
I wanna see ya work (work) that pole 'till 'till 'till you get sweaty
I wanna hit it from (from) the back I promise your like if if you let me

[Hook:]
Cause I like booty n tig 'ol bitties
(i like) booty n tig 'ol bitties
(i like) booty n tig 'ol bitties
(i like) booty n tig 'ol bitties

[Chorus:]
I wanna see you move move shake shake now drop (what your momma say)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your daddy say)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your sista say)
Move move shake shake now drop drop drop drop

[DJ Laz:]
Move it to the dance floor Make that body work girl
Don't be scared, shake that thang We got plenty of cash girl
You (you) call your friends, and i (i) call my friends and
We can do that thang in the back (back) of the benz girl

[Hook:]
Cause I like booty n tig 'ol bitties
(i like) booty n tig 'ol bitties
(i like) booty n tig 'ol bitties
(i like) booty n tig 'ol bitties

[Chorus:]
I wanna see you move move shake shake now drop (what your momma say)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your daddy said)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your sista say)
Move move shake shake now drop drop drop drop

[Stripper:]
Shake (shake) my ass ass
Show (show) my thong thong
Do (do) my thang thang
Aint nothing wrong. Aint nothing wrong.
Shake (shake) my ass ass
Show (show) my thong thong
Do (do) my thang thang
Aint nothing wrong. Aint nothing wrong.

[Hook:]
Cause I like booty n tig 'ol bitties
(i like) booty n tig 'ol bitties
(i like) booty n tig 'ol bitties
(i like) booty n tig 'ol bitties

[Chorus:]
I wanna see you move move shake shake now drop (what your momma say)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your daddy said)
Move move shake shake now drop (what your sista say)
Move move shake shake now drop drop drop drop

[Chorus: Outro]
I wanna see you
Move move shake shake now drop
Move move shake shake now drop
Move move shake shake now drop
(I like, I like) Move move shake shake now drop drop drop drop

Cornell Fans are Douches

The ECAC Finals were in town today. I wasn't goin'...I was supposed to be in Vegas today on business and plus, Clarkson sucked this year anyway :( So, pass...

Anyway, last minute, MPH finds some free tickets and clues me in. So the wife and I pack up the baby and head to the games. The consolation game between SLU and Princeton was mostly dull. After that, the two old bitties, whose seats we were in, insisted we could move so they could have their seats for the game. They had said we could stay, conditional on us not rooting for Yale, which was the first clue to douchyness but whatever...they were the rightful owner of the seats. So we pack up the baby and abandon our friends for our proper seats.

Just before the big game is gonna start, I head down to the restroom. On the way back, I decide to check back near MPH and see if any seats have opened up. Nope. Instead, the entire area...indeed half the arena...is a sea of red shirts. Cornell fans have taken over. As I am standing their looking at this, they are announcing the Cornell starters and they are cheering. So, they get ready to annonce the Yale starters and all the Cornell fans hold up newspapers and began screaming and shaking them in front of their face...ostensibly because they would rather read the paper than hear the starters. They were so loud that I literally could not hear the name of the starters. It was then that I mentally labelled them douches and decided I would rather not sit wit them.

I get back to the seats in time to grab the baby for the Star Spangled Banner. During which, the Cornell douches yell "RED!" during "...rocket's red glare..." Lame. Annoying. Douchy. After that, we sit and the game is getting going. Now the Cornell douches begin some complicated chant lead by their hyper-lame pep band. You can't make out the words, but it ends with them shouting "Sieve! Sieve!" over and over at the Yale goalie. Now, not only are they Douches. Not only do I hate them. But I am now actively rooting for Yale. Which doesn't mean as much as if I were drunk (just ask the 2006 Colorado Rockies) but still.

So, I cheer for Yale the whole game. Which, is a blast, because Yale proceeds to beat the ever loving crap out of Cornell. Which is the best way to answer the idiotic fans. Oh yeah, and that "Sieve!" was absolutely amazing...Not allowing a single goal in 27 shots. And playing some amazing defense. By the end, Cornell had pulled their goalie on a power play to do a 6 on 4 and they still couldn't score. With 4 minutes left, I was chanting "Mercy Rule! Mercy Rule!" :) And, in the end, the Cornell fans were quitely filing out, nothing to say...

So, in review...got some free tickets (Thanks, MPH!) and Cornell fans are Douches.

The End.

-gen

Icanhazbballpicks?

Oh yeah. I made some basketball pics. It IS March Madness and all. Even though I know nothing and don't follow NCAA BB beyond whatever SportsCenter choses to show me.

And, I didn't copy the President's pics. You will note that *I*, unlike Barack, have nothing against the west coast. :)

-gen

This guy gives politicians a bad name...

Talking about Felix Ortiz, Brooklyn Assemblyman in the NY State Assembly. He wants to take patrons of strip clubs $10 a head.

http://www.timesunion.com/AspStories/story.asp?storyID=779083

Not right. Not Right. As I stated elsewhere:

"Ortiz's proposed legislation places a $10 per customer surcharge on "patrons of 'adult entertainment' establishments that serve food or drink along with nude or semi-nude dancing." If passed, the money would go to programs for victims of human trafficking, domestic violence, sexual abuse and child prostitution, Ortiz said in a news release. "

This is what gets me about it. He is trying to justify his dumbass tax by preying on our desires to see an end to terrible human ills (which have no corrolation to strip clubs whatsoever). I'd have a lot more respect for him if he just said, "Ummm...fact is...state's broke. We're looking to justify a tax wherever we can. And we just didn't feel like kicking the cigarette smoker's in the balls AGAIN...so here ya go..."

Oh...this is making me so mad, I can't even continue to talk about it...

-gen

Sad thoughts...

You know...there are some things you should know about me. Like most anybody, I have certain things I believe...

1. I am an asshole. I am not a nice person. I am seemingly incapable of empathizing with my fellow man. I don't generally feel bad for people.
2. I am not big on gun control. I think that the NRA has some good points.
3. I believe in karma. I don't think that bad things tend to happen to good people.
4. I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died for my sins and I believe that God watches out for all of us, that He loves us, and that He ultimately takes care of us.
5. I believe that people are fundamentally good and that those who practice evil are usually doing so out of circumstance and not out of genuine choice.

Still, I just heard got a sympathy card to sign for a coworker. When I inquired as to why we were sympathizing, I was infomed of this terrible story:

http://www.timesunion.com/AspStories/story.asp?storyID=778669

And, right there...I have to question ALL of those beliefs.

Find somebody you love and give `em a hug. And Pray it isn't your last chance to do so...Sometimes, you realize that...you never know... :(

-gen

Interesting morning...

You know that old Army slogan..."We do more before 9 am than most people do all day..."

Today reminds me of that, as I have had a ridiculous amount of semi- and vaguely interesting things happen to me, all before 8:30 am. I thought I'd share, in order of occurance:

• The iPhone enables you to actually read and respond to email from the toilet. This is a far more useful use of that time than my usual practice of reading Cigar Aficionado.
• ESPN Hates me, or, at least, SF Giants fans in general. Lately, they have nothing better to do than jerk off over the World Baseball Classic, which is just a manufactored tournament that means virtually nothing and exists primarily to give superstars a reason to skip much needed spring training. Still, when my team, the SF Giants plays the WBC heavily favored Japan team in an exhibition, do I get highlights? Nope...I get 20 minutes on Dwayne Wade not sucking, Kobe Bryant and Ron Artest trash talking (NBA Players trashtalking? This is news??!), and some Texas Tech kid named Mike Singletary scoring 29 points in a row. Oh yeah, and Tiger may lose #1 golf ranking. My faith and love for ESPN is waning at an alarming rate...
• Given the opportunity, my daughter will check out porn. Don't ask.
• Handy Mandy is idiotic. Mickey's Clubhouse, on the other hand, rules. Especially if you get drunk and yell out the answers to his questions. Hypothetically speaking, of course, I am not drunk before 8:30 am on a weekday.
• Ran into traffic on Rt4 in Troy. Turns out it was a disabled car in the right lane, just before the Big Green Bridge. I am stuck in the lane behind it. Three cars in front of me are stopped a good 500 yards back, impotantly blinking their flashers and NOT merging (because no one is letting them). As soon as possible, I gun it up to the disabled car, passing at least 6 cars on the right, and begin merging. The victim is a youngish blonde, not uncute, who takes exception at my merge. However, she is driving a late model red Toyota and judging from the upkeep and mirror tchotchkes, she is NOT going to hit me. Sure enough, despite clear verbalizations and multiple horn blowings she slow to let me in. Naturally, I take exception to her horn blowing and extend my hand out the window for some good ole' fashioned asshole driver sign language. This incises her even more and she attempts to merge right to get around me. However this fails, as I am already merging right. (I'm not THAT good, I actually needed the right lane.) So she merges back left and guns it, as there is space in front of me to cut me off. So I gun it and we race for 2 seconds before I close that gap and she brakes hard on the ass of a little old lady in an old and beat up Hyundai. So, of course, I brake hard and match the little old lady's speed, forcing her behind us. She is fuming, but I have won this round. To add insult to injury, I do a last-second, signalless exit on the far side of the bridge, leaving her with insufficient time to perform a maneuver on the little old lady before the presumed left merge onto 787 South. Have a good day, lady!
• Frustrated by the experience, I catch myself doing 80 on 787 North (a 55 zone) and have to slow down, lest I get a ticket. Did NOT get a ticket :)
• Merge onto Alt-Rt-7 Westbound and am presented with a sign. "Roadwork on ramp to 87 South, expect delays." Of course, that's MY exit. However, I have already decided to stop at Hannaford for a Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowl, so I will be exiting before that, HOW lucky.
• Heard "Another Dimension" by Timmy Vegas and Bad Lay-dee. God Bless bpm!
• Exit Alt-Rt-7 to Rt 9 South. There are two right-turn-only lanes. The first, on the right, has 14 cars in it. The second is completely empty. I get in the second, pull to the front and immediately turn right on red, as the traffic has just cleared. Why does no one do this? Is it illegal to turn right on red from the second lane to the second lane? I never heard that it was but I see people sit in lines of traffic to turn right when the second right turn only lane is completely free. Boggles the mind.
• The Dunkin' Donuts Rule - when driving a two lane road in New York, always consider the potential presence of a Dunkin' Donuts when merging. If there is a Dunkin' Donuts on the side you are merging to, it is very likely that SOMEONE will turn into it. This will provide a merge opportunity in front of that person. However, if you merge before the Dunkin' Donuts, you will probably have brake and watch cars formerly behind you zip on by, greatly violating the First Rule.
• Why is it we live in a society where you can't leave the baby in the car for five minutes while you run in the grocery store? That really sucks! Nevertheless, I dutifully unload the baby and drag her inside.
• Saw THIS in the grocery store. Oh Hershey Corp. Why do you want me to die early from complications of Diabetes? What did I ever do to you? Besides point out that your amusement park is craptastic, I mean...

• Women with Eastern European and/or Russian accents are hawt.
• Someone with the interesting name of Seamus Haji actually managed to remix Rihanna's "Umbrella" into something listenable. Seamus Haji is a pretty cool name. What is that? Irish and Japanese? I am picturing like a 5'10" buxom Irish redhead with the almond eyes and coy smile of someone of Asian descent. Nice fantasy. In reality, it's probably a pasty faux-white dude dressed like a skater. :
• At daycare, as I sign the daughter in, a precocious little 3 year old moppet points at me and says very loudly, "He's wearing a band-aid!" It's true, I do have a band-aid on my forehead. All the assembled adults laugh uncomfortable as we are wont to do when a child says something rude. She follows it up with, "What happened?" Before her mommy can bustle her off mumbling something about it being "private", I look down at her with the meanest face I can muster and growl, "bar fight." No one looks at me. *shrug* I thought it was funny. As I turn the corner to the infant rooms, I hear the girl..."Mommy, what's a bar fight?"
• After daycare, hear Lily Allen's "The Fear (Stonebridge Club Remix)". My favorite version of this song...it rocks! God Bless bpm.
• After that, hear D.H.T.'s "Listen to your Heart (Furious F. Extended Remix)" Another nice one. God Bless bpm.
• Get to work...once again, there is a primo space available. Listen, people, if a parking space has one blue line and one white line, it is NOT a Handicapped Only space!
• Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowls are delicious!

Maybe a Chinese person cursed me with living in interesting times. *shrug*

-gen

See, the thing is...

You know, I swear that I had a point, but I can't, for the life of me, remember what I was going to say. Oh well, `nuff said.

-gen

How to Drive like an Asshole

People often say to me, “Wow, Gen, you drive like an asshole.” I always can’t help but smile back and them and give them a modest “Thanks.” When you are as self aware as I am, you already know these things, but it is still nice to hear someone say it. So, I thought, perhaps I should share some of my secrets for all of you who might want to try it yourself. So, with no more further preamble, I present:

How to Drive like an Asshole
By GenWar

The First Rule
The first thing that you need to know is The First Rule. The First Rule is paramount and is the key to driving like an asshole. The First Rule states that every car on the road in front of you is an obstacle between you and your destination. It is always your first priority and major task to find a way to get every car in front of you to be behind you. This is the underlying motivation for everything you do. Without it, you are just a random dick on the road.

Speed
Always do 10 miles an hour above the speed limit. Always. Except in school zones. (It sucks, but I am a father now, what do you want?) The general wisdom is that a cop won’t bother with the paperwork if you are doing 10 miles an hour over the limit. The truth is that that is crap, but don’t let yourself be bothered with the truth. The truth is the enemy of the asshole driver.

The making of an asshole
Being an asshole driver requires more than just driving fast and passing people. Everyone does that. You need to do more…
--Pass on the right – this one’s a classic. Whenever possible, pass someone on the right. Since conventional wisdom is passing on the left, you will at least surprise if not outright frighten the other driver.
--Always leave adequate space between you and the car in front of you. You should NEVER get closer than 17” to the car in front of you. 18”+ is fine, however. J
--Weave. Your lane is never good enough. So, get in the other one. Now, this one isn’t good enough. Better get back in the first one. Rinse and Repeat. I like to judge my progress by noting the car behind me before I merge and classifying them as proxy in that lane…Are you ahead of them in the new lane? Good job! Did they progress past you as the original lane moved forward? Way to go, nimrod. (See the first 5 minutes of Office Space for a reference.)
--Use both lanes to merge point. While this actually makes good sense, for some reason, it never fails to piss off people. Whenever a lane is ending or the road is going down for construction, everyone always moves to the side that is valid. Usually, this leaves the lane that is ending completely clear…so you can get in that lane, pull all the way to the front of the line and merge back at the last moment. Another classic! (This is especially good if you can use an exit only lane to pass all the traffic and then merge back before the exit.)
--Be distracted. Cell Phone use is a classic. Not just talking…talking is for amateurs. Text. E-Mail. Twitter. Face-Book. Another good tool is those portable DVD players with the 5” screens. Set it up on the dashboard and watch a movie. Truth is, you can’t fake the swerving and the lagging behind and the emergency braking from not paying attention to the car in front of you.
--Special Exits – When getting off the freeway, why not make it fun? Exit at the last possible second. Exit from the left lane, crossing ALL lanes of traffic. You never know…someone might be following you.

Learn to Profile the Cars on the road
Conventional Driver’s training will teach you that a bit part of the way driving work is the group agreement to be mutually predictable. The ability to count on other drivers to do what you expect them to do makes the whole system work. Similarly, you have to learn to tell from looking at cars, how they will react to you, the asshole driver.
--Research and know other cars. Makes, Models and, roughly prices.
----In my experience, you only need to fear cars that cost $27,000 or less.
------Don’t cut it too close as, if they get pissed, they’ll hit you or chase you or otherwise act stupid.
----Cars from $27K to $45K or so are mostly ok, unless you get a weirdo.
------You don’t have to be scared but watch for lunatics and other asshole drivers.
---- Anything above $45K will NOT hit you. It isn’t worth the repair cost. (This, of course, presupposes that you do not hit them. J)
--Note that there are exceptions to this general principle. If you observe any two of the following, assume that they will hit you or otherwise act stupid:
----Any type of Nascar paraphernalia
----The car is dirty beyond general road dust, including muddy. (A coat of salt in the winter doesn’t count.)
----There is a sticker of Calvin peeing, a National Rifle Association sticker or a Mary Kay Cosmetics Sticker.
----There is any sort of system do display a weapon. Usually, a rifle or gun rack but I’ve seen bows and swords as well.
----The car is a pickup truck of above average size.
--If the car proudly displays stickers or insignia of any sports team that is a rival of your local or favorite team, assume that the car is another asshole driver and treat with extreme prejudice. (There is one car in the parking lot of a company apt that I use. He has a Patriots sticker, a Celtics sticker and 2 (TWO!!!) Red Sox stickers. It takes an effort of will every time I drive by not to slam into him full tilt.)

Reactions of other drivers
When you perform these antics, you will find that some other drivers don’t appreciate it on some level. This is the cross the asshole driver must bear. Still, there are some reactions that we, as asshole drivers, accept and some that we do not.
--Acceptable Reactions
----The Finger – Hey, you’re an asshole. What do you want? When/If another driver gives you the finger, accept it and move on.
----Ignoring you – This is what most people will do. They won’t stoop to your level. They think this makes them better than us. This is principally because it actually does make them better than us.
----The Kiss off – The best is when people pretend like they appreciated. They smile and wave and blow you a kiss in sarcastic appreciation. These people aren’t better than you but there is a fairly good possibility that they are cooler than you.
--Unacceptable Reactions – any reaction other than the acceptable reactions would be problematic and would require retaliation. Below some nice retaliation methods:
----Bright Lights – Get behind them and turn your brights on. This makes it difficult for them to use their mirrors and is REALLY annoying.
----Give them the Finger – needs no explanation.
----Close passing – pass them very very closely, missing hitting them by narrow inches. This can really freak them out.
----Merge in front of them and slam on brakes - Remember Section IV, Subsection 1-2 when doing this one or you WILL get rearended.

Disclaimer: Of course, this is a humorous work of fiction. You should not follow any of these rules. Lord knows I don’t. Statistically speaking, an automobile is the most dangerous weapon you’ll ever wield. Be careful out there, kids…and Be Safe. -gen

Karaoke Report

Here is the report for Karaoke this weekend:

Where: Side Door Cafe
When: 10:30 pm to 2:15 am
Who: Me, Court, Ben, Mamaseeta, Gary, MPH, Lou & MPH's Friend whose name is unspellable.

I sung:

"Short Skirt, Long Jacket" by Cake
"Last Name" by Carrie Underwood
"Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood and the Destroyers
"Handlebars" by Flobots
"Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gane
"The Saga Begins..." by Weird Al

Ben Sang:

Some song before I arrived
"Sunday Morning" by Johnny Cash
"Levon" by Elton John
Another song that I forget :

Gary sang:

2 songs by Chicago whose name I doubtlessly never knew
Another song that I forget :

MPH's friend, unspellable sang:

A Metallica song that I cannot recall

As usual, Court and Mamaseeta did not sing. MPH and Lou flirted with the idea of singing but, not unexpectedly, it didn't pan out.

On the whole, I did alright, I guess. I think I got most of the words on Bad Touch and Saga Begins, despite being mostly intoxicated. I think I did very well with Bad to the Bone (a gimme) and Flobots (most people were leaving during this song as it was close to the end of the night.) The Carrie Underwood song sounded horrible but I got props for having the balls to sing it, so the crowd reaction was ok. The first song, Short Skirt Long Jacket, went pretty good. I do a pretty good Cake, with I Will Survive being a staple.

-gen