Pet Peeves, a running list...

I need to list my pet peeves. So Imma start a running list here...may as well, no one is reading this anyway :)

1. Don't send me an email asking me to answer a previous email. I got your email. There was no error. It wasn't lost in the 'net. I haven't answered your email because I haven't answered your email. Sending me another one will not help the situation in any way.

2. Don't ask me what book I am reading, in that moment. I do not, under any circumstances, want to discuss the book currently in my hand. If I am reading in your presence, it is highly likely that I don't want to talk to you at all. If I did, I would put the book down. It is ok to ask me about books generally and what I have read recently, but not while I am currently reading.

3. Don't ask for (or take without asking) food or drink I am currently consuming. Do not taste my beer, have a couple of fries or enjoy a small bite. Don't touch my stuff at all. If I offer, then it's ok but if I haven't brought it up, I DO NOT want to share. (Yes, even if you are my wife. In fact, MOST ESPECIALLY if you are my wife.)

4. For the love of God, do not pass me on the right.

5. If I appear to be choking, do not ask me "Are you all right?" or "You ok?" This is an idiotic waste of breath. If I can breath, given that I am in a coughing fit, the last thing I want to do is have a conversation. If I cannot breath, the time you spend in chit chat and waiting for a response should be spent attempting to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Either way, there is no need for discussion.

6. Do not be imprecise with money. If you give me $25 and ask me to buy you something and it costs $23.76, do not tell me 'not to worry' about the change. I WILL worry about it...I can't help it. Take the damn $1.24. If the situation is reversed, do not give me a dirty look if I ask for my damn $1.24. If an item or service costs $379, don't tell me it is '400 bucks' or 'like 375ish'. How hard is it to say '$379'?

7. If I buy you a drink, drink it. Don't waste it. If I buy you a drink unsolicited and it is something you absolutely can't stand, pretend to drink it, wait until I am not looking and pour it out and then make sure I see the empty glass. If I buy you a drink, what I want out of it is your enjoyment of it, even if it is false. Also, it is not necessary to buy me a drink if I buy you one. Nor should you be upset if you buy me one and I don't buy you one in return. One thing you can be sure of...if you buy me a drink, I will damn well drink it.

To be continued...

The Rules of Hair

Finally, a random thought that takes more than 140 characters...

There seems to be a lot of confusion on this, so allow me to break it down for you, as simplistic and specific as possible.

If you are a woman, you have to have long hair. This means no drastic, chopping it all off, "I'm trying a new look" bullshit. Grow it out and leave it out. Of course, you can have to styled however you wish and the licensed stylist may remove up to 16.7% of the total length, at his/her discretion, in the name of creating and maintaining the style. However, this can only be done once every 3 months. If your particular style requires more frequent salon visits, all removals are limited to that percentage on a quarterly basis.

If you are man, you have to have short hair. This means get a fuckin' haircut. You are required to get your hair cut every three months. Again, you may maintain any style you wish as long as you get at least 42% cut off every three months and your total length never exceeds the total you could grow in a 3 month period.

There are three exceptions to this rule.

1. Lesbians - Any gay (NOT bi-sexual, transexual or transgendered) woman may get her hair cut as short as she wishes, as long as the overall effect of the cut/style does not render her indistinguishable from a man in a neck-up view.

2. Native American Men - Any registered and approved member of a authorized American (US) Tribe may grow his hair as long as he wishes and is not required to get any cuts, so long as his length and style remain clean and presentable.

3. African Woman - Any woman born in or 1st generation removed from Africa (meaning, one or more of her parents was born in Africa) may keep her hair as short as she wishes, as long as she has and keeps one of those cool faux-British accents. If she starts talking American, she has to start growing it out.

I'm glad we could clear this up. Please make note and follow these requirements in the future...