How to Drive like an Asshole

People often say to me, “Wow, Gen, you drive like an asshole.” I always can’t help but smile back and them and give them a modest “Thanks.” When you are as self aware as I am, you already know these things, but it is still nice to hear someone say it. So, I thought, perhaps I should share some of my secrets for all of you who might want to try it yourself. So, with no more further preamble, I present:

How to Drive like an Asshole
By GenWar

The First Rule
The first thing that you need to know is The First Rule. The First Rule is paramount and is the key to driving like an asshole. The First Rule states that every car on the road in front of you is an obstacle between you and your destination. It is always your first priority and major task to find a way to get every car in front of you to be behind you. This is the underlying motivation for everything you do. Without it, you are just a random dick on the road.

Speed
Always do 10 miles an hour above the speed limit. Always. Except in school zones. (It sucks, but I am a father now, what do you want?) The general wisdom is that a cop won’t bother with the paperwork if you are doing 10 miles an hour over the limit. The truth is that that is crap, but don’t let yourself be bothered with the truth. The truth is the enemy of the asshole driver.

The making of an asshole
Being an asshole driver requires more than just driving fast and passing people. Everyone does that. You need to do more…
--Pass on the right – this one’s a classic. Whenever possible, pass someone on the right. Since conventional wisdom is passing on the left, you will at least surprise if not outright frighten the other driver.
--Always leave adequate space between you and the car in front of you. You should NEVER get closer than 17” to the car in front of you. 18”+ is fine, however. J
--Weave. Your lane is never good enough. So, get in the other one. Now, this one isn’t good enough. Better get back in the first one. Rinse and Repeat. I like to judge my progress by noting the car behind me before I merge and classifying them as proxy in that lane…Are you ahead of them in the new lane? Good job! Did they progress past you as the original lane moved forward? Way to go, nimrod. (See the first 5 minutes of Office Space for a reference.)
--Use both lanes to merge point. While this actually makes good sense, for some reason, it never fails to piss off people. Whenever a lane is ending or the road is going down for construction, everyone always moves to the side that is valid. Usually, this leaves the lane that is ending completely clear…so you can get in that lane, pull all the way to the front of the line and merge back at the last moment. Another classic! (This is especially good if you can use an exit only lane to pass all the traffic and then merge back before the exit.)
--Be distracted. Cell Phone use is a classic. Not just talking…talking is for amateurs. Text. E-Mail. Twitter. Face-Book. Another good tool is those portable DVD players with the 5” screens. Set it up on the dashboard and watch a movie. Truth is, you can’t fake the swerving and the lagging behind and the emergency braking from not paying attention to the car in front of you.
--Special Exits – When getting off the freeway, why not make it fun? Exit at the last possible second. Exit from the left lane, crossing ALL lanes of traffic. You never know…someone might be following you.

Learn to Profile the Cars on the road
Conventional Driver’s training will teach you that a bit part of the way driving work is the group agreement to be mutually predictable. The ability to count on other drivers to do what you expect them to do makes the whole system work. Similarly, you have to learn to tell from looking at cars, how they will react to you, the asshole driver.
--Research and know other cars. Makes, Models and, roughly prices.
----In my experience, you only need to fear cars that cost $27,000 or less.
------Don’t cut it too close as, if they get pissed, they’ll hit you or chase you or otherwise act stupid.
----Cars from $27K to $45K or so are mostly ok, unless you get a weirdo.
------You don’t have to be scared but watch for lunatics and other asshole drivers.
---- Anything above $45K will NOT hit you. It isn’t worth the repair cost. (This, of course, presupposes that you do not hit them. J)
--Note that there are exceptions to this general principle. If you observe any two of the following, assume that they will hit you or otherwise act stupid:
----Any type of Nascar paraphernalia
----The car is dirty beyond general road dust, including muddy. (A coat of salt in the winter doesn’t count.)
----There is a sticker of Calvin peeing, a National Rifle Association sticker or a Mary Kay Cosmetics Sticker.
----There is any sort of system do display a weapon. Usually, a rifle or gun rack but I’ve seen bows and swords as well.
----The car is a pickup truck of above average size.
--If the car proudly displays stickers or insignia of any sports team that is a rival of your local or favorite team, assume that the car is another asshole driver and treat with extreme prejudice. (There is one car in the parking lot of a company apt that I use. He has a Patriots sticker, a Celtics sticker and 2 (TWO!!!) Red Sox stickers. It takes an effort of will every time I drive by not to slam into him full tilt.)

Reactions of other drivers
When you perform these antics, you will find that some other drivers don’t appreciate it on some level. This is the cross the asshole driver must bear. Still, there are some reactions that we, as asshole drivers, accept and some that we do not.
--Acceptable Reactions
----The Finger – Hey, you’re an asshole. What do you want? When/If another driver gives you the finger, accept it and move on.
----Ignoring you – This is what most people will do. They won’t stoop to your level. They think this makes them better than us. This is principally because it actually does make them better than us.
----The Kiss off – The best is when people pretend like they appreciated. They smile and wave and blow you a kiss in sarcastic appreciation. These people aren’t better than you but there is a fairly good possibility that they are cooler than you.
--Unacceptable Reactions – any reaction other than the acceptable reactions would be problematic and would require retaliation. Below some nice retaliation methods:
----Bright Lights – Get behind them and turn your brights on. This makes it difficult for them to use their mirrors and is REALLY annoying.
----Give them the Finger – needs no explanation.
----Close passing – pass them very very closely, missing hitting them by narrow inches. This can really freak them out.
----Merge in front of them and slam on brakes - Remember Section IV, Subsection 1-2 when doing this one or you WILL get rearended.

Disclaimer: Of course, this is a humorous work of fiction. You should not follow any of these rules. Lord knows I don’t. Statistically speaking, an automobile is the most dangerous weapon you’ll ever wield. Be careful out there, kids…and Be Safe. -gen