Today reminds me of that, as I have had a ridiculous amount of semi- and vaguely interesting things happen to me, all before 8:30 am. I thought I'd share, in order of occurance:
- The iPhone enables you to actually read and respond to email from the toilet. This is a far more useful use of that time than my usual practice of reading Cigar Aficionado.
- ESPN Hates me, or, at least, SF Giants fans in general. Lately, they have nothing better to do than jerk off over the World Baseball Classic, which is just a manufactored tournament that means virtually nothing and exists primarily to give superstars a reason to skip much needed spring training. Still, when my team, the SF Giants plays the WBC heavily favored Japan team in an exhibition, do I get highlights? Nope...I get 20 minutes on Dwayne Wade not sucking, Kobe Bryant and Ron Artest trash talking (NBA Players trashtalking? This is news??!), and some Texas Tech kid named Mike Singletary scoring 29 points in a row. Oh yeah, and Tiger may lose #1 golf ranking. My faith and love for ESPN is waning at an alarming rate...
- Given the opportunity, my daughter will check out porn. Don't ask.
- Handy Mandy is idiotic. Mickey's Clubhouse, on the other hand, rules. Especially if you get drunk and yell out the answers to his questions. Hypothetically speaking, of course, I am not drunk before 8:30 am on a weekday.
- Ran into traffic on Rt4 in Troy. Turns out it was a disabled car in the right lane, just before the Big Green Bridge. I am stuck in the lane behind it. Three cars in front of me are stopped a good 500 yards back, impotantly blinking their flashers and NOT merging (because no one is letting them). As soon as possible, I gun it up to the disabled car, passing at least 6 cars on the right, and begin merging. The victim is a youngish blonde, not uncute, who takes exception at my merge. However, she is driving a late model red Toyota and judging from the upkeep and mirror tchotchkes, she is NOT going to hit me. Sure enough, despite clear verbalizations and multiple horn blowings she slow to let me in. Naturally, I take exception to her horn blowing and extend my hand out the window for some good ole' fashioned asshole driver sign language. This incises her even more and she attempts to merge right to get around me. However this fails, as I am already merging right. (I'm not THAT good, I actually needed the right lane.) So she merges back left and guns it, as there is space in front of me to cut me off. So I gun it and we race for 2 seconds before I close that gap and she brakes hard on the ass of a little old lady in an old and beat up Hyundai. So, of course, I brake hard and match the little old lady's speed, forcing her behind us. She is fuming, but I have won this round. To add insult to injury, I do a last-second, signalless exit on the far side of the bridge, leaving her with insufficient time to perform a maneuver on the little old lady before the presumed left merge onto 787 South. Have a good day, lady!
- Frustrated by the experience, I catch myself doing 80 on 787 North (a 55 zone) and have to slow down, lest I get a ticket. Did NOT get a ticket :)
- Merge onto Alt-Rt-7 Westbound and am presented with a sign. "Roadwork on ramp to 87 South, expect delays." Of course, that's MY exit. However, I have already decided to stop at Hannaford for a Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowl, so I will be exiting before that, HOW lucky.
- Heard "Another Dimension" by Timmy Vegas and Bad Lay-dee. God Bless bpm!
- Exit Alt-Rt-7 to Rt 9 South. There are two right-turn-only lanes. The first, on the right, has 14 cars in it. The second is completely empty. I get in the second, pull to the front and immediately turn right on red, as the traffic has just cleared. Why does no one do this? Is it illegal to turn right on red from the second lane to the second lane? I never heard that it was but I see people sit in lines of traffic to turn right when the second right turn only lane is completely free. Boggles the mind.
- The Dunkin' Donuts Rule - when driving a two lane road in New York, always consider the potential presence of a Dunkin' Donuts when merging. If there is a Dunkin' Donuts on the side you are merging to, it is very likely that SOMEONE will turn into it. This will provide a merge opportunity in front of that person. However, if you merge before the Dunkin' Donuts, you will probably have brake and watch cars formerly behind you zip on by, greatly violating the First Rule.
- Why is it we live in a society where you can't leave the baby in the car for five minutes while you run in the grocery store? That really sucks! Nevertheless, I dutifully unload the baby and drag her inside.
- Saw THIS in the grocery store. Oh Hershey Corp. Why do you want me to die early from complications of Diabetes? What did I ever do to you? Besides point out that your amusement park is craptastic, I mean...
- Women with Eastern European and/or Russian accents are hawt.
- Someone with the interesting name of Seamus Haji actually managed to remix Rihanna's "Umbrella" into something listenable. Seamus Haji is a pretty cool name. What is that? Irish and Japanese? I am picturing like a 5'10" buxom Irish redhead with the almond eyes and coy smile of someone of Asian descent. Nice fantasy. In reality, it's probably a pasty faux-white dude dressed like a skater. :
- At daycare, as I sign the daughter in, a precocious little 3 year old moppet points at me and says very loudly, "He's wearing a band-aid!" It's true, I do have a band-aid on my forehead. All the assembled adults laugh uncomfortable as we are wont to do when a child says something rude. She follows it up with, "What happened?" Before her mommy can bustle her off mumbling something about it being "private", I look down at her with the meanest face I can muster and growl, "bar fight." No one looks at me. *shrug* I thought it was funny. As I turn the corner to the infant rooms, I hear the girl..."Mommy, what's a bar fight?"
- After daycare, hear Lily Allen's "The Fear (Stonebridge Club Remix)". My favorite version of this song...it rocks! God Bless bpm.
- After that, hear D.H.T.'s "Listen to your Heart (Furious F. Extended Remix)" Another nice one. God Bless bpm.
- Get to work...once again, there is a primo space available. Listen, people, if a parking space has one blue line and one white line, it is NOT a Handicapped Only space!
- Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowls are delicious!
Maybe a Chinese person cursed me with living in interesting times. *shrug*
-gen
