DISCLAIMER: This, like all blog entries and all Lessons from the Asshole Driver, is a work of fiction and humor. It is not intended to be instructional. Kids: do NOT try this at home. Remember, 80% of what I say is for entertainment purposes only. The other 20% is bullshit.
Today, a brief LFTAD (Lesson From The Asshole Driver)...
Maneuvers.
Merriam Websters defines it as "the manual application of sudden upward pressure on the upper abdomen of a choking victim to force a foreign object from the trachea."
Wait, no, that's 'Heimlich Maneuver.' The actual definition is:
"1: to cause to execute tactical movements; 2: to manage into or our of a position or condition : Manipulate; 3 a: to guide with adroitness and design b: to bring about or secure as a result of skillful management"
The Glossary of the Asshole Driver defines maneuvers as "an action or series of actions, known by a specific name or title, and intended to cause a specific effect or gain a specific position at the expense of another driver, such as to cause said driver general annoyance, frustration or consternation."
The things we do...on the road...to each other...they are called Maneuvers. I thought that, for my blog today, I might list a few of my favorites.
The Pass on the Right
This simplest and most common of maneuvers. And, in my humble opinion, one of the most rude. This is the douchebag cousin of the proper pass, which is done to the left. It is achieving ground on a target by proceeding past them on their right-hand side. Don't do this to me, as I observe few greater slights.*
The CockBloc
This is the purposeful shadowing and matching of speed of another driver on a two lane road, so as to prevent someone behind you (the target) from passing or continuing beyond your current position. This is usually done in retaliation for some other maneuver or slight* done by the target.
The BDL
This is simply a Pass on the Right where there is no lane to the right, so the side of the road or the 'B'reak 'D'own 'L'ane must be used. While not particular dangerous, this maneuver will seriously freak a target out as they never see it coming. However, it should be noted that, because of the presence of debris and miscellany, this maneuver is never righteous.*
The Skimmer
This is a special passing of a target. Typically, it begins with you behind the target in the same lane. A pass is initiatied, usually to the right, as you cannot really be more of a dick than this maneuver anyway. However, during the pass, you do not completely leave the lane, instead continuing past the target while keeping as much as possible of you in the same lane as the target. Usually this results in less than 2 feet between you and the target, which is cutting things VERY close. Again, because of the nature of this move, it cannot be considered righteous*, no matter the circumstances. This one should probably not be tried at home...leave it for the suicides* and the Nascars.*
The Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka
This is, simply, a Right Pass of one or multiple (ideally, a lot of) targets using an existing lane that is not normally used for such purpose, such as an entry ramp onto the freeway or an exit only lane for an impending exit. This is an excellent maneuver because, oftentimes, targets are so wrapped up in fucking with you that they do not see these lanes as they get created. Thus, they do not expect the maneuver (no one ever thinks you'll BDL). The trick with this maneuver is to back off a bit prior and then speed up quickly in the same lane but to the rear of the target. Without an extra burst of speed, they can speed up and block you. Also, be careful to note what is in front of the target...if the target is riding ass*, there's no place for you to go. :( This is named for the famous wrestler, because not enough things are named for Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka.
The Lil Jon
Named for the rapper, as this is a maneuver he is semi-famous for. This maneuver usually follows up some other maneuver which has pissed off the target. As the target complains and/or retaliates, you begin to swerve and slide a bit, appearing to be driving while drunk. (Note: Do not drive while actually drunk. I know there are no punishments for it in America but the Asshole Driver does not kill anyone (but him/herself) and it REALLY pisses off the wife.) Be careful to stay in your lane, so as to minimize the possibility of accident. This maneuver, if done right, will usually scare off an angry or incised target.
The UBLTMP
This maneuver is always righteous. Why? Because it is actually a rule of the road. This is a legitimate, legal and proper driving technique. However, because the public is so angry at and afraid of Asshole Drivers, they have rendered this appropriate driving tactic to be a dick or douchebag move. As such, it becomes a maneuver. When a lane is closed ahead or, for whatever reason, two lanes are moving down to one, typically all drivers move into the lane that is open, forming a LONG line of traffic in that one lane. This line of traffic can extend, in some cases, several miles back, BEFORE the actual combination of the lanes. So, this maneuver involves simply merging into the open lane and proceeding ALL THE WAY to the front of the line before merging back into the properly open lane. While this is sure to piss off ALL the targets you pass, I assure you that you are righteous and legal. The name is the abbreviation of the actual construction sign they put up to tell people to do this... "Use Both Lanes to Merge Point".
The Double Whammy
Personally, I've never done one of these. I think you can't really do it, outside of the Dukes of Hazzard or the Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Still, it's pretty damn cool. When a target is behind you and riding ass* or being generally (and purposefully) annoying, you simply slam on brakes and whip the wheel until you do a 180 and are facing the target. (I think I'd probably just roll my car.) Then you shift into reverse and continue backwards while flipping off the target with both hands. Like I said, I've never done it and can't recommend it...but it sounds good on paper.
That's all I have on my list for today...perhaps I'll discuss some more Maneuvers another time.
-gen
P.S. coupla terms from the Asshole Driver Glossary
Target: Another driver...specifically one who has not risen above your immaturity and is ignoring you (those are called 'Sheep'.) A Target is usually someone who has slighted you or pissed you off and is now someone upon whom you wish to perform maneuvers.
Slight: Any action taken by a Sheep or Target that causes frustration or anger on the part of the Asshole Driver. So called, because 90% of the time, the action is not a big deal and was not intended to cause frustration or anger. Example: Going 68 in the left lane in front of you in a 65 mph zone; refusing to let you merge in front of them; driving a BMW.
Righteous: The execution of a maneuver such that there is negligible chance of either causing an accident or any sort of harm or raising the ire of local law enforcement. Usually, the Asshole Driver, only uses this after the fact as an affirmative defense when the Wife says, "you did NOT just do that..."
Ridin' Ass: Tail-gating. One driver following another very closely.
Suicide: A driver who appears willing to end his own life. Interchangeable with NASCAR.
NASCAR: A driver who appears willing to end his own life. Interchangeable with Suicide. Named for the participants in the races of the National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing, who are all such and are the best examples of Asshole Drivers anywhere.
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