The Rules of Hair

Finally, a random thought that takes more than 140 characters...

There seems to be a lot of confusion on this, so allow me to break it down for you, as simplistic and specific as possible.

If you are a woman, you have to have long hair. This means no drastic, chopping it all off, "I'm trying a new look" bullshit. Grow it out and leave it out. Of course, you can have to styled however you wish and the licensed stylist may remove up to 16.7% of the total length, at his/her discretion, in the name of creating and maintaining the style. However, this can only be done once every 3 months. If your particular style requires more frequent salon visits, all removals are limited to that percentage on a quarterly basis.

If you are man, you have to have short hair. This means get a fuckin' haircut. You are required to get your hair cut every three months. Again, you may maintain any style you wish as long as you get at least 42% cut off every three months and your total length never exceeds the total you could grow in a 3 month period.

There are three exceptions to this rule.

1. Lesbians - Any gay (NOT bi-sexual, transexual or transgendered) woman may get her hair cut as short as she wishes, as long as the overall effect of the cut/style does not render her indistinguishable from a man in a neck-up view.

2. Native American Men - Any registered and approved member of a authorized American (US) Tribe may grow his hair as long as he wishes and is not required to get any cuts, so long as his length and style remain clean and presentable.

3. African Woman - Any woman born in or 1st generation removed from Africa (meaning, one or more of her parents was born in Africa) may keep her hair as short as she wishes, as long as she has and keeps one of those cool faux-British accents. If she starts talking American, she has to start growing it out.

I'm glad we could clear this up. Please make note and follow these requirements in the future...