The asshole driver returns...

Ok..time for another lesson people...from the mind of the quintessential Asshole Driver. There are few more things we need to discuss...

1. The cop by the side of the road.

If you see a cop by the side of the road with his lights on and a car parked in front of him, there is no need to slow down. Let me repeat that, THERE IS NO NEED TO SLOW DOWN. Especially if he is on the OTHER side of the road (ie, in oncoming traffic.) Why does everyone slow the fuck down? Do you think he is going to abandon his established ticket and come after you? Don't flatter yourself. Ok, there are some exceptions to this...Here is a list of acceptable reasons to slow down:

1. You have an outstanding warrant for your immediate arrest on a felony or major misdemeanor. (Can't be too careful)
2. Despite the car setup, the cop has his door open and is visibly pointing a radar gun at you. (OK, fair enough, you got me. Usually, all he wants to see is you slow down.)
3. You are doing more than twice the legal speed limit. (You should probably slow down anyway. I may be an asshole, but that is ridiculous. Arrive Alive, buddy. Jeez.)

Conversely, Here is a list of things that are NOT acceptable reasons to slow down...

1. You are concerned about getting a ticket. (Trust me, the cop is not coming for you. He has his ticket. Remember your grandma tellin' you, "A bird in the hand is worth 10 in the bush..."
2. You want to see what is going on. (Seriously? Some poor slub is getting a ticket, THAT's what's going on. It's not cool to mock them; that'll be you one day. Have some pity...eyes forward!)
3. The cop is standing near traffic and you are concerned for his safety. (Then swing left and avoid him. What do you mean 'the left lane is blocked.'? Then you aren't going fast enough.)
4. It is a gesture of respect for the law. (Get off my blog. No, seriously, click the 'x" on the upper right immediately.)

2. Being Pissed Off

Ok, so I cut you off. It sucks but it's your fault...I never should have been able to pull that crap on you...you let it happen. If you didn't, I'd be exchanging insurance info with you right now, not writing a blog post. So, accept that it is your responsibility. And, while it is ok to be angry, don't be stupid about it. The fact that I cut you off means that I am, at least a tiny bit, crazy. You don't want to flash your lights and honk your horn and start chasing me, shaking your fist in the air. Especially, if you are on a motorcycle. Cuz what *might* happen is that you start a crazy war with me...we are going to determine which of us is MORE of an asshole driver. The problem with this is, based on the initial maneuver, I've already shown that I am a little crazy...so you are at a disadvantage in this fight. Plus, I'm in front...another disadvantage for you. Remember, in a rear-end accident, it is always the fault of the rear driver...so I will splatter your motorcycle-ridin' ass all over my rear bumper and you're paying to fix it (assuming you can afford it after your medical bills; you're riding a fuckin' motorized bicycle for cripes sake!) Learn this lesson, now...Don't play biggest douche with someone who has already established himself as a giant douche...just doesn't work. Just shake your head and flip me off and resolve to never let it happen again. Life's too short...

3. Red Lights

If you are stopped at a red light and it turns green, you have a responsibility to take off as quickly as the guy in front of you will let you. Don't dawdle. Why? Because there are people behind you who want to make the light...including someone (probably me) 4-12 cars back who will just barely make the light and I won't make it if you sit there with your thumb up your ass. DRIVE, dammit! That is why you are on the road, in the first place.

That's it for now...Don't make me come back!

-The Asshole Driver